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The FOGHORN
ROTARY CLUB OF HALF MOON BAY
June 28, 2019
Debunking of President Paul Wrubel
Article by Bill Johnston
Photos by: (not available)
The traditional roast of our past President took place on Friday evening, June 28, 2019, in the Senior Center. Paul Wrubel was this year's victim.
The menu was cowboy for the carnivores with big barbecue ribs, beans and cornbread and something else for the vegetarians. The usual pleasantries were exchanged.
Incoming president, Ed Daniels, recited some of the achievements of now past President Paul and he expressed the usual sentiments about filling such big shoes, etc. Ed gave Paul a plaque with a wooden mallet and his name spelled correctly. Paul tried to reassure us that the club was in great hands and that Ed would certainly be an improvement on the prior administration. Paul took a last shot at inflicting Joe Brennan's cartoons on us (everyone found at least one of them humorous… Except for Stacy's Doug who guffawed it all of them). Joe composed and read some limericks that befitted the occasion.
Finally, after everyone was seated, the Rotary players Irwin, Ed, Linda, Dave, Warren and Mitone put on a performance for the ages. The script, from the mind of Kevin O'Brien, is set forth in its entirety below. Read it and weep. Afterwards, Paul's wife Annie gave us a thumbnail introduction to the comedy that she will be directing for the Community Theater. When asked if she was going to be recruiting any of the Rotary thespians, she responded, "no comment".
The Debunking of Paul Wrubel June 28, 2019
Cast
Narrator…………………………………………………………
Paul Wrubel…………………………………………………………….
Trixie………………………………………………………………
Davey…………………………………………………………………
Coach…………………………………………………………………
Francine…………………………………………………………
Imagine an advertisement for:
Paul Wrubel College Counseling Service
Narrator: Paul Wrubel College Counseling Service, for all of you out there who have youngsters who are about to graduate from high school, and you just don’t know what to do next. A really good idea would be to go to college. We all know that college graduates make more money than non-collegians, they marry better and they live in nicer neighborhoods. Unless your son or daughter has what it takes to be a plumber, college would be the next best thing.
So, how do you go about getting your son or daughter into a good college? Paul Wrubel College Counseling Service, that’s how! Paul will give you an iron-clad guarantee that your little precious one will be admitted to the college of your choice. Your son has a 1.8 GPA? Your daughter blew the SAT because she thought SAT stood for Sit And Talk? No problem! Paul has ways of overcoming these little hurdles.
Here are some examples of how Paul Wrubel has gotten his clients into great colleges. We take you to a living room in anytown USA:
Trixie: (chewing gum and sobbing) It’s no use, I’ll never get into Yale. All my friends are going to Yale and I’ll never ever get into Yale. My SAT scores are so low they’re less than my weight! I’m not stupid, I just don’t take tests very well. Who cares if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘epitome’ or where Algeria is?
Paul: Trixie, stop your crying and listen to me. I have a guy who will take your SAT for you and kill it. Yale will be calling you every day, begging you to matriculate.
Trixie: Matricu-what?
Paul: To enroll there. All of the Ivies will be calling you!
Trixie: Ivies? What do you mean by ivies? Vines? Plants?
Paul: Never mind, just leave it to me, Trixie, I’ll take care of everything. Now where is your dad and his checkbook?
Trixie: But is that legal? It doesn’t sound legal to me.
Paul: Legal schmegal, don’t you think Yale would be lucky to have you? And really, don’t be naïve enough to think the students that go to Yale all earned their entry fair and square.
Trixie: I’m sure you’re right, Mr. Wrubel.
Paul: You’re darn right I’m right, Trixie, now go find your dad.
Narrator: And here’s another example of how valuable Paul Wrubel can be to your young student. We take you to a sports complex to find Paul with a student talking to a coach.
Paul: Now listen to me, Davey. I’m going to introduce you to the coach so he will offer you a full-ride college scholarship. Don’t say anything. I repeat, don’t say anything.
Davey: Mr. Wrubel, this looks like a sports complex. I’m not really into sports. I’m more of a Nintendo man.
Paul: See, there you go, talking. I told you twice, don’t say anything, just let me take care of everything.
(Coach enters)
Paul: Hi Coach Mixon, I’d like to introduce you to my protégé, Davey Andrews. He is one outstanding athlete.
Coach: Athlete? What’s his specialty, floor exercise? Har! Har! (laughs loudly)
Paul: Actually, he was on the Olympic Development Team for the decathlon. You know, ten events, running, jumping, throwing and pole vault?
Coach: I’m quite familiar with the decathlon, Mr. Wrubel. I find it hard to believe that young Mr. Andrews here is a decathlete.
Dave: But….but
Paul: Dave, keep your trap shut! Coach, surely you can find room on your list of scholarship recipients for my boy Davey here? (shows Coach a wad of cash)
Coach: (thinking for a second) You know, I do believe we have an opening for a good athlete. We’re a little thin for the balance beam. Davey, you could do the balance beam, right?
Davey: What? What’s the balance beam?
Coach: It’s a four-inch wide wooden beam about four feet off the ground. You do flips and jumps on it.
Davey: Flips and jumps? Are you crazy?
Paul: Of course he can, I can just see him now doing a half-twisting two-and-a-half dismount! (shakes hands with Coach)
Narrator: Just one more success story for Paul Wrubel College Counseling Service! I know what many of you are thinking, is this too good to be true? Is Paul Wrubel the genius we portray him to be? What kind of chicken will we be having next Thursday? Are Paul Wrubel’s methods ethical? (snickers) The way we look at it, you can either be the windshield or you can be the bug. You’re probably wondering just how much is this going to cost? Here’s an example of how Paul can land a choice college admission without greasing any palms! We take you to a cocktail lounge.
Paul: Hello there.
Francine: Do I know you?
Paul: Not yet, but you will.
Francine: Oh? Are you coming on to me?
Paul: Not likely, you’re a little too old for me.
Francine: Too old for you? How old do you think I am? 130?
Paul: Aren’t you the admissions officer at Harvard? I think I’ve seen your name before.
Francine: I haven’t told you my name.
Paul: Oh, I recognize you all right.
Francine: Recognize me? From where?
Paul: From the S and M bar I saw you in last night. You were really feeling it!
Francine: Don’t be ridiculous, Harvard would never tolerate me frequenting such an establishment!
Paul: Oh, you were frequenting it all right. I have pictures.
Francine: (shocked) Pictures! You must be mistaken, it must have been someone who looked like me.
Paul: Someone with a barbed-wire tattoo around her thigh, just like you? Latex hot pants, leather bra, dog collar with spikes. You were riding some woman wearing a pony costume.
Francine: What are you about, sir? What do you want from me?
Paul: A simple favor. Pepper Jones gets into Harvard, maybe with Honors at Entrance.
Francine: Who is Pepper Jones? Has she applied to Harvard?
Paul: Consider this her application, Francine. I’ll expect an acceptance letter by the end of the week, or Harvard gets the pictures. Your newspaper is the Crimson, right?
Francine: That’s right.
Paul: I would think if these pictures get into the Crimson, you’ll be pretty crimson yourself! And probably looking for work.
Francine: You win. I don’t really care who we admit anyway. Most of our students are privileged little shits.
Paul: It’s a pleasure doing business with you, Francine.
Narrator: And so you see, Paul Wrubel has a multitude of methods for making sure your little dears get into the college of their dreams. And if they don’t make the Dean’s list, who really cares? If you have a degree from Harvard, nobody asks you about your grade point average, do they?
So call Paul Wrubel and stop worrying about Little Johnny or Jenny’s future. They will be in good hands! His number is 1-800-moneytalks!
Cast sings and everyone joins in:
Alma mater, alma mater,
Faithful we shall be!
To the people of the world and
To the Rotary! Club.
We shall always live forever
By the four way test.
If you ever ever wonder
What way is the best.
Alma mater, alma mater,
To our club be true!
We will always do the best thing
For me, for them, for you!
Congratulations Paul, and thanks for a great year with the Rotary Club of Half Moon Bay!
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